There's no room for money stress in your marriage.
Another night - laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, stressed out about money.
You try to talk about it, but inevitably end up fighting. It's always a blame game that leaves you both frustrated and angry.
You’re afraid you might never get out of this awful loop that you find yourselves trapped in.
You are NOT alone. So many couples are going through the same thing - but it doesn't have to be this way. You can learn how to talk to each other about money and really be on the same page. I've got some tips to get the conversation started.
Disclaimer: There can be some exceptional circumstances: addiction, infidelity, abuse - just to name a few. If you are in one of these situations, consult with a professional who is equipped to help.
It starts with conversation
Money conversations can be ....scary, challenging, necessary, rewarding... sometimes all of the above! I believe you married each other for a reason, and although there may have been a lot of years between "I do" and right now - I bet you both genuinely want to make this better. Starting the conversation is not always the easy part, but there are a few guiding principles.
...and there will be many conversations
If the two of you don't have mutual goals, you'll never be truly working together. Every couple does their finances in a slightly different way. Some have one person doing it all, others have separate accounts. Some people never use cash, others feel that is the best way to control expenses. Some couples use apps to keep tabs on their money, some bury their head in the sand and couldn't tell you how much the mortgage payment is.
Knowing that every couple is different, one key to successful money management is common goals. Goals will likely change and morph over the years - so the conversations need to continue. I've heard about a lot of couples who have sort of a retreat at the beginning of each year to look at their goals for the current year, and also a 5 year vision. You don't have to formalize this, but it's important to discuss goals. Here are a few goal oriented topics to get you started:
1. Work and retirement goals. Are you happy in your job and happy with your earnings? When would you like to retire? Are you saving for retirement currently? Do you have your own business? What are your business goals for the year?
2. Living situation. Any plans to move? If so do you both know what you want for your next home? Is anyone moving out, or moving in with you in the near future? How will that impact your finances?
3. Vacations/Travel/Hobbies. Are you living a fulfilled life? Is there something you wish you could be doing more? Places you want to go? What is the cost or investment involved with enriching your life with these activities?
What makes you feel
scared & excited?
Often times our anger is triggered by a fear. If having a hefty savings account makes you feel secure, but your spouse feels scared about the amount of debt you have - there needs to be a balance. You have to talk to each other about how you can meet both of your needs and still move forward with goals.
It is a skill to be able to talk to each other from a place of calmly stating what makes you feel secure or insecure in a way that doesn't attack the problem. You want to be solution-focused by saying {for example}, "We don't have much money saved for retirement and I would good knowing that we are saving some money each month. I don't want you/us/myself to have to work until I'm 80."
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Teamwork makes the dream work!
Once you've talked about your goals, start to talk about how to achieve them.
If you haven't been budgeting together, you're going to need to start. Whether you have separate accounts, or joint - you'll want to start looking forward to the small steps (monthly) that you can take to start achieving those goals.
If it means putting some of your pay into a savings account, or toward paying off some debt, commit to doing that. Who is going to facilitate the process, and when exactly will you do it? The first step is so critical to making new commitments to your goals.
You can download this list of Conversation Starters. It will help you dive a little deeper in these conversations. No need to discuss everything all at once, but you can keep it handy for some quality conversation. Click below to get the list.